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| The white bandage Dear January, what could be even worse than assignments, assignments and assignments?? Well I'll be so happy to tell you that I broke my right foot while attempting to jump. Words couldn't describe how shitty today had been for me. Enough about the sad and shitty stuff. One thing great that I've discovered today is a bunch of idiots who are willing to stay by my side when I'm in pain and I'm so lucky to have them in my life. |
Letters to January 29/31
Letters to January 27/31
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| The last coffee Dear January, It certainly is amazing how wonderful and cheerful someone could be when they're talking about their passion and how it reminds everyone about a certain experience that causes a dramatic change into their lives. The month is almost ending and I'm still having it hard to say goodbye. Maybe it's the fact that I haven't or perhaps never will get use to goodbyes. I know that the upcoming January or the one after or the one next will never be the same as this year's. You dislike the word bye. So much loneliness and reluctance in it. It reflects to someone's empty soul so dark that it's the main reason why people stayed at home after fights. I'll never understand why your eyes bleed empty emotions all the time. I don't really know how to react since we've traveled quite a distance from the starting line. All I could ever recalled that night was the amazing kiss and the warm hugs. Most importantly we bid each other farewell and never look back. |
Letters to January 26/31
Dear January,
actions always proved why words means nothing when you've said it.
Letters to January 25/31
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| The warm hands Dear January, Life has taught me way too many things. How to not talk to random strangers but to socialize and experience new things from them. How eating alone is an everyday thing but back in those days. everything was more of a reunion dinner. How laughter would fill every corner of the room and now fully covered with sadness. How hating your presence turns into not getting use to your absence. How to reevaluate your worth and time. Your worth will not be affected by people who are not capable to witness your everything. |
Letters to January 23/31
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| The round table |
Dear January,
Stories were shared and laughter filled the whole entire house.
It felt amazingly great and I would die every single time just to relive this moment.
When I'm old one day, my only hope is to remember all the reasons why I laugh,
You're one of things I would wish to bring back when I'm old.
Letters to January 22/31
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| Change
Dear January,
today happens to be one of the toughest day in your whole entire life.
The battle against your thoughts and your conscience is really tiring.
You reevaluate things a lot and sometimes it's a little too much.
You care for people who won't even remember your middle name when they're happy.
You have this other self living in you chasing after happiness.
But, all you're getting in return are disappointments and regrets.
After knowing that all you've ever received back is unhappiness and more sadness in life, you started asking yourself why and what's the reason you're in this mess.
You started blaming yourself for the things that never was your concern in the first place.
You started putting everyone first instead of yourself.
You gave your priority to them just so the least they could do is to appreciate it,
but you were so wrong about it.
How many heartbreaks you've received so far?
You've tried so hard to not be selfish but you've failed to realised that you're wrong about certain things. Why?
You're selfish to not let them grow up and handle their own business naturally.
You're selfish to let what they're saying now affects you.
You're selfish to even try to correct things on their behalf
when they clearly didn't even ask for it.
You're selfish for being a busybody in taking care of their mess.
You're selfish to put their thoughts and feelings first before yours.
You being nice won't grant you a place in heaven or make you a saint.
If you can be that selfish in life,
you deserve more than anything to be selfish enough to love yourself.
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Letters to January 21/31
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| Secrets
Dear January,
I'm so glad I'm feeling a little better about my anxiety these days.
I feel there's a protective shield that was formed by the positive people around me to prevent me from getting hurt along with the things that would only leave dark scars behind.
You said you're glad that you've met someone like me. You thanked me for our unplanned acquaintance. You appreciate my existence in your world. You value my sense of humour ringing your ears every night before you drown deeply in your sleep.You'd replay my song everyday just to make you feel better about yourself. You are proud of me. You would picture yourself in my shoes and you would reevaluate everything just cause you're curious. Your adorable smile and laughter just makes me realised that life has so much more to offer only if you would promise not to give up on life. The you I've mentioned is still living in dilemma. Waiting and hoping for something to hit you hard so you would stop procrastinating about living right.
I'm still searching for you.
For I am yours and you are mine.
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Letters to January 20/31
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| Black Nicotine
Dear January,
I often asked myself how and when will I be able to let everything go. When will i finally have the courage and heart to step forward and put things behind. I know you're trying your very best to please society but honey, sometimes the ways or the methods used were just wrong. All the mean comments and fake friends? Use them to build a freaking tall ladder to climb up towards becoming a successful person. Not just by what brand you wear around your skin but what you breathe underneath your vulnerable self. Your colour will always be darker than black because you wanted something darker than the darkest colour.
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Letters to January (19/31)
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| Drowning Your heart? Stop searching for a buyer. Just fire those desire. You'll feel so much better. Dear January, I'm so sorry for posting my letters so late every single time. Exams are just around the corner. On top of that, I have assignments rushing in and responsibilities to handle. I'll be super busy this weekend and I know you'll be so pissed at me. I know what is right for me. Goodnight x |
Letters to January (18/31)
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| Too small Dear January, I didn't know looking back at old pictures of us just makes me so sad. The pain is honestly hard to describe and I have no idea how to feel right now. It's like this big chunk of phlegm that is stuck in my throat and no matter how hard I've tried to cough it out it's just always there making it hard for me to talk. I hope I'll find something that would return us our voices and the wisdom to speak to each other again. I guess I'll just have to accept the fact that no one is responsible for your own actions. Maybe we both acted way too big for our own boots. I just miss all the conversation and videos the both of us did together. Such a shame but it's alright. Everything will be alright. |
Letters to January (17/31)
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| Birthday Wishes I know the slightest thought of you smiling for photographs and faking a bloody wish you know will never come true just makes you wanna swallow your tongue and die. Anything you'd hate more than the digits displayed on the weighing scale will be the number of candles sticking right on top of the bloody cake. I remember that time when you clearly told me how annoying those tears won't stop stinging your eyes at four in the morning. How you would tremble and crumble every single time you notice the clock won't stop ticking and that days are numbered and weeks get lesser on calendars. Everyone's wishing you just like how they would sing the national anthem at the school assembly because you can never feel their presence even if they're there. I guess it's just the same for you. You blow the candles and pretend like you're not just physically but mentally there to make a wish. |
Letters to January (16/31)
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| The wonderful escape Dear January, I found old pictures of them the other day. I just had this sudden thought about meeting someone who gives you assurance and the right feelings. What if those feelings are just really a temporary thing? What will happen if the both of them don't feel the same way about each other anymore? What happens to being there for each other and not giving up no matter what comes after them? What ever happened to trusting and loving each other for their great sense of humour? I guess some people do feel sorry for all the hurt that they've caused others to feel when they're hurting. All those mean words were said because their lives were messed up and they tend to push people off the cliff just to let them feel a little better about themselves. All those lies whether if they're white lies or lies that are told just to run away from something, lying is still not a correct thing to do. What really happened was two person who used to be friends wanted to save all the great moments in a photograph is now nothing more than just strangers who once shared the same past together. |
Letters to January (15/31)
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| The Great Ride Dear January, I never knew going a ride with a friend and being late for class is such a wonderful thing. The memories and bonding we've made during college is honestly priceless. I would never trade anything for this wonderful experience of mine. Maybe saying these when it's only just semester two is still early but I'm sure I won't regret saying these next time. I couldn't stop thinking about you late at night, you're the reason why the existence of the insomnia is just always there as a stain in my life. Things that you do just to get the attention you don't necessarily needs is just weird. It's really insane how someone would just fight it all the way through the end just so someone would notice you a little more. Is it worth all of these hardships and heartache? Don't you wish you could see yourself in twenty years just so the wrong decisions could be prevented now. Maybe he was the right guy for you but he just appeared at a wrong timing and if only you've waited a little longer, maybe things wouldn't just be "he's just not the right one for me". |
Letters to January (14/31)
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| The Cheat |
Dear January, I'm so sorry for the cheat. I'm just really tired and really just have a lot up in my head. Thinking about what those words meant and those cute little gestures people do just to get your attention. Just like what my friend said, sometimes when you get all the fame you need, you kinda hate getting all the extra attention from people. But, what about those who beg for attention? Begging for someone out there to notice them more just because they're not famous.
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Letters to January (13/31)
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| Life underneath a shell People will always find something for them to hate. It's impossible to please everyone. Love yourself because you're worth more than all those pathetic judgments and comments that they've used to describe who you are. Because the thought of you breathing is just so fucking incredible it makes me wanna love my life even more. Because life is wonderful, and so are you. You're insecure about yourself lately. Laughter escapes from your lips to cover up your insecurities. Tons of foundation and powder won't be able to conceal your thoughts. Your thought of fitting in and becoming one of them is the ultimate goal now. All you've ever wanted is to fucking fit in. Little do you know that you're destroying yourself just to make yourself to appear to be more likable and more interesting. Since when did someone else's opinions became who you truly are inside? Since when did it matters to wear makeup to school or not? Since when did curling your hair to make you feel better about yourself turns into an offence? Since when did saying what you think is stupid? Since when giving all the love you can is a crime? Since never January. |
Letters to January (12/31)
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| The Pleasing Aroma "Seven billion smiles in this world and yours happen to be my favourite." The way your coffee smells like in the morning. The way you'd laugh at everything I say. I wonder what you're constantly thinking every single time. |
Letters to January (11/31)
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| Friendship Dear January, I am thankful for all that I have and for those that stayed, I do appreciate every single one of you. Friendship is defined as a person who would always be there for you. My definition of friendship is weird. You don't need someone to be there for you 24/7. You're capable and adult enough to be there for yourself, but friends are there to help you when you feel like your legs aren't strong enough to stand, they're there to witness your progress of leading a healthy and positive lifestyle. they're there for you when you cried because of your grades, they're there for you when you're at the edge of ending your life, they're the ones you never thought would've stayed when you need someone to listen. But January, the only reasons why they're not there is because they're not your friend. NO. You need to start standing on your own feet, climb those irritating walls and get all the emotional thoughts away just to keep you alive and cheerful. You need to start loving yourself then your friends will come I promise. I know I would. Take care xx |
Letters to January (10/31)
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| Happy Thoughts Dear January, wish me luck as I collect every happy memories and happy thoughts this year. Everything is going to be tougher starting from this upcoming week. Everything will run smoothly and I will be responsible for my myself. Independent. Self-actualization. Self-love. I know getting hurt and forgiving everyone else isn't easy. I don't wanna hold grudges and I do not want my life to be filled with hatred everywhere. You told me it's worth it and few minutes after you cried and said it's not worth wasting my time. You're just there repeating all the things you wished would escape from my lips. |
Letters to January (9/31)
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| The patient guy Dear January, it's only the ninth of the month and I feel like I have nothing to write anymore. I guess my hormones weren't stable lately and usually it's because I'm extremely happy or extremely insecure from every inch of my skin to the deepest of my bones. January, I can't stop sobbing like a bitch about his departure. It makes my knees weak and my eyes really tired. We used to laugh at lame jokes. I got so used to you that you leaving me behind is really hard. I remember watching the same comedy show together over and over again. I remember how we would laugh at dumb people acting like they know it all. I remember how you would compliment my eyes every time they blink. I swear everything was beautiful till, you've decided that lame jokes are no longer funny, and dumb people were just a big nuisance, and how my eyes don't make you feel anymore. So I stopped watching comedy ever since. |
Letters to January (8/31)
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| The Promise Commitment is hard. Dear January, I'm so sorry that I posted this a little way too late. I got my results today and honestly I wasn't really happy about it. I was happy for few seconds because I don't have the need to resit the test, but then I started hating myself for not aced every subject when someone else could. Then it hit me hard on the face when I saw people sobbing for their results and that they would probably give anything up just to have what I had in my hands. I will treasure everything I have in my life now. To those that I've comforted just now, please be okay. We will get through this together. Life is beautiful when you could start viewing it in every aspect of every man. Find your inner peace. Find what you love and do it. Don't give your chances up for someone else. Remember to always leave that big space for you to love yourself so that when you love someone else with that limited space left, it wouldn't hurt as much when they leave. You'll be happier this way. Trust me. I promise. |
Letters to January (7/31)
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| The Light Dear January, sometimes you may feel unimportant to certain people, but today I saw how someone really left a print in my life. Someone who felt like every part of his body is just being a big pain in the ass. Guilty. Terrified. Alone. Broken. Well honestly I miss your presence. Some fought hard for themselves and most of them just surrender in fate. Friends turn into foes, babes to hoes, fight to repair holes, something you can't even hold, due to the darkness in your soul. Dear January, I'm getting my results tomorrow and I get butterflies in my tummy just whenever I think about it. Not aiming for straights this semester because I literally wished I could but let's just face the music and swallow the truth. No resits will do. I promise I'll be satisfied. I love myself. For umpteen times I've practiced saying this in front of the mirror and I can't seem to really love myself. Someday I know I'll find that person. The me that loves me. |
Letters to January (6/31)
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| The silent walk Dear January, it's a big struggle in controlling your feelings and emotions. It's really tiring when you need to have everything under control. It's only 6 days out of 2016 and I feel like I'm running out of fuel already. Do promise me that you'll continue walking down this path. If either one of us decides to give up, Please be the reason why we would never stop walking down this road. Dear January, sometimes the easiest way to lie is to say that you're tired. You're just really tired of the drama and the attention plus the unwanted stares. Give yourself a break. You deserve one. Dear January, today I came across someone's shadow. As usual, the shadow would follow diligently behind, Then, one day I saw a darker side of you, You're now no longer leading but chasing after that dark shadow you once hated. |
Letters to January (5/31)
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| The Heartbreaker Dear January, I find it funny how some people could actually be so darn selfish. Exactly how they would talk to you the minute they need you and ignore you the next minute when you're not. Please tell me I'm not the only one going through this. Discipline. Beauty. War. Love. Intelligence. sigh. "The saddest thing for a girl is to dumb herself down for a guy." - Emma Watson You fight back those tears and stop blaming yourself for everything. You're worth so much more than this. It's not your fault when someone's heart is broken because of you. I'm sure everyone would agree with me on that. People would still judge anyway so why bother being so nice to people who wouldn't even hear you explain your heart out? If the other party did ever give a single fuck to what you're feeling right now, I bet you that you wouldn't be crying under your blanket tonight. because all they ever thought of is what they want and not what you need.The world would be so much better if more people were selfless and more loving. |
Letters to January (4/31)
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| The Black Sheep Dear January, school wasn't as bad as we all thought it was. It went quite well despite all the dramas and conflicts from last semester. I promised to not mess things up and make sure I achieve that. January, father told me to not study blindly and relate everything with a key. The real problem is how and where is this lock that needs this key to unlock. Decision making was never easy and I'm trying so hard to breathe without hurting anyone. Dear January, my friend and I exchanged gifts today and both of us screamed so loud, because we're both really happy. Listing every moment in the Happy Jar. Dear January, he's a good friend. It's such a shame that humans will always be one step back in realizing someone's worth.He apologized for being a pain in the ass for the last few months, and that dear January just broke my heart into pieces to how he was really being treated. It's alright mate, we'll see you when we see you. We all have reasons to act and behave the way we present ourselves. I wonder what was yours when you behaved that way. What were you feeling inside? Behind those shades and under that skin of yours, What were you thinking when you said you can't do this anymore while running your fingers through your hair? You can. Your view about love is wrong honey. Accept that it's not love that caused pain your chest but it's the fact that you can't fight loneliness and independence all by yourself. Trust me you will love yourself more when you realize how much you've been missing out while having all these suicidal thoughts killing you inside when all you could ever do now is to be fucking happy. |
Letters to January (3/31)
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| Bravery. Courage. Acceptance. |
Dear January, I wished I knew what I want for myself right now.
I know that when the right time comes,
I will stick out my hands and grab on it without a second thought.
You know you would because you deserve better and
you'll never allow your future daughter to settle merely just to be someone's second best.
I want the bravery to fight for what I want,
courage to stand up for what I need,
and acceptance to love every single bit of myself.
Letters to January (2/31)
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| City at night Dear January, I promised to update a post everyday without failing so here I am struggling with this post here. It's an exhausting day for me to travel ups and downs just to make sure that he is safe in their arms. January, isn't fascinating to actually imagine walking in the city alone late at night? Without any worries and reasons but rather just enjoying the cold breeze hitting your face, pockets filled with pennies and just a moment to relax and reflect on everything. January, somehow everything is just a in big mess right now. School is starting the day after tomorrow and I'm in a love hate relationship with school. I hate how the holidays have to come to an end but I can't wait to see my friends in school. I promised myself to not screw things up this time and have everything planned out accordingly. I know I can do this! (fingers crossed) Today you're here at it again asking me why am I always so dark and complicated. I guess that you're trying too hard to crack the puzzle that even the owner itself is hopeless at solving it. Never categorize yourself into something that you're not. Don't hesitate in becoming someone else just because everyone hope to see you in that form. Remember you're the reason why you're you. You don't live for them. You live for you. you |
Letters to January (1/31)
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| 2016 Let's welcome 2016! Happy New Year! Dear January, do hear me out and watch over me while I pour everything out here for the whole entire month. Sometimes people are not who you think they are. At times they're the nicest person beside you and sometimes they're the reason why red ink are all over the floor. Today, I've decided to be totally honest with myself, love everyone unconditionally and treat everyone how I would wanna be treated. Dear January, life is a struggle if you don't know what you're dealing with. I know fights against siblings is really just a temporary thing because blood happens to be thicker than water but January, I've had enough. I know it sounds as if I'm over exaggerating things but it's really more than what I can take. Dear January, I've never been to a party or a club before and yesterday I'm no longer a party virgin! I went to the countdown party for 2016 and it's a great start. I've learnt that there are some things that doesn't affect you, but you'll never know how much pain you've caused others to feel on behalf of your actions.
Talking about limits, thank you for being understanding up to that point as well,
Sorry for all the mean and hurtful words that brought tears on the floor.
I shouldn't have took things lightly and I have regretted it ever since.
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